Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days
by LaCasta
Summary: Chapter 6: Martha Kent and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Take-off on the children's book. Usual disclaimer.
1. Alexander Luthor

Alexander Luthor and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day  
  
with (semblances of ) apologies to Judith Viorst and Ray Cruz, the author and illustrator of the original  
  
***  
  
I went to sleep with caviar in my mouth and now there's caviar all over my head and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped over all three cats and dropped my tie in the sink when the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
At breakfast, I saw in the newspaper that Bruce Wayne had gotten a higher P/E ratio and a buy recommendation. All I got was an unchanged.  
  
I think I'll move back to Metropolis.  
  
Hans had moved the car seats up in all the cars while he was doing maintenance and they'd gotten stuck that way and I got smushed all the way to work and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
At work when I was counting the production facilities Gabe Sullivan said that I left out the sixteenth one. Who needs the sixteenth one? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
I could tell because Clark said I wasn't his best friend anymore. He said that Pete Ross was his best friend and that Chloe Sullivan was his next best friend and that I was only his third best friend.  
  
I hope you sit on a meteor rock, I said to Clark. I hope that next time you get a double-mocha cappucino that the cappucino spills all down the sink and ends up in Metropolis.  
  
After work I went to the dentist and Dr. Fields found a cavity. He said that he'd fill it next week.  
  
Next week, I said, I'm moving back to Metropolis.  
  
So then I went to the car dealer and dad bribed the car dealer so that I could only buy domestic. He can make me buy domestic but he can't make me drive it.  
  
When I went to see my dad he said that I couldn't play with the secret lab but I went in anyway. He said that I shouldn't touch the secret devices but I launched one and I think it landed in Metropolis. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
My sauna wasn't hot enough and I got soap in my eyes and then the cats had shed in everything but my blue pyjama bottoms. I hate my blue pyjama bottoms.  
  
The cats took up all the pillow and stepped on my face every time I was just about to go to sleep.  
  
It had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
Jonathan Kent says some days are like that.  
  
Even in Metropolis.  
  
AN: It feels like a series coming on...I can just see the Clark Kent and his terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
Of course, the cats are the Furies, so part of this IS thediehard's fault. 


	2. Clark Kent

Clark Kent and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day  
  
I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and I hate having to stick my head in the wood chipper to cut my hair and by mistake I dropped my dresser and it fell through the floor and broke the sink in the kitchen and water started spilling everywhere and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
On the bus to school there Whitney was all over Lana and sitting so close to her that I thought she was going to get scrunched. I told Pete and Chloe that he was going to smush her and that I was going to be sick, but they didn't even answer. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
At school the shop teacher liked Pete's candlestick holder better than he liked my foreshadowing. In math I was staring at Lana and forgot to do problem sixteen. Who needs problem sixteen? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
I could tell because Chloe said that I wasn't her best friend anymore. She said that Lana Lang was her best friend and Pete was her second best friend and that I was only her third best friend. I hope you sit on your laptop I said to Chloe. I hope that when you get a story lead you follow it all over the world and get lost in Antarctica.  
  
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
That's what it was because I had to help mom run errands in town and Nell looked at me weird when I asked if Lana was there and she said she wouldn't be in the flower shop until next week.  
  
Next week, I said, I'm going to Antarctica.  
  
So then we went to the shoestore and I wanted blue shoes with red stripes but they didn't have any in my size except for black ones with silver. Mom made me buy them but she can't make me wear them.  
  
When I went to see Lex at the plant he said that I shouldn't play with the fusion welder but I forgot. He also said look out for the chemical samples on his desk and I was as careful as could be except for my elbow. He also said don't fool around with the bugging devices but I think I bugged Antarctica.  
  
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
There were peas for dinner and I hate peas.  
  
There was kissing on TV and I burned the carpeting.  
  
I'd forgotten about my dresser and I fell through the floor and landed in the sink with my sweats so I had to wear my green pajamas and I hate my green pajamas.  
  
When I went to bed I tripped over my shoes and my teeth are harder than my tongue so I bit my tongue when I tripped. We live on a farm without any dogs so there wasn't a dog to sleep with me.  
  
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
My dad says some days are like that.  
  
Even in Antarctica.  
  
AN:  
  
Okay, we're back on track here, this one is thediehard's fault! 


	3. Pete Ross

Pete Ross and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day  
  
I went to bed with Chloe's birthday gift, a bottle of perfume, on my bedstand and I knocked it over in the night and now I smell of Chloe's perfume and when I got out of bed my brothers had used all the hot water and I wasn't able to get it all off and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
On the bus I lost the bet about Clark missing the bus and I couldn't tell her that it was because he doesn't need to get the bus and she looked smug all the way to school.  
  
I think I'll go into Congress, I said.  
  
On the bleachers for the school spirit rally Mike got to sit next to a gorgeous girl and so did Andrew but I only got to sit on the end and there weren't any gorgeous girls. When the linebacker squeezed in I said I was being smushed but nobody answered.  
  
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
In history Mrs. Dickens liked Clark's project on people who defeated meglomaniacs better than she liked mine about how minorities don't get as big parts on television and she said that the next project is on the 16th century. Who needs the sixteenth century? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
I could tell because Ericka said that I wasn't her best date any longer. She said that Philip Parker was her best date and Albert Moyo was her next best date and that I was only her third best date. I hope you sit on Lana's makeup, I said. I hope that you spend so take up so much water washing it off that somebody calls you from Congress.  
  
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
That's what it was because after school Chloe said that I had to write ten extra stories this week because everybody in Chem had exams but that I could skip writing any next week.  
  
Next week, I said, I'm running for Congress.  
  
So then we went to the Talon and Lana guilted everybody into trying the new bubble tea. Chloe had mango and Clark had apple but I didn't want any because tea shouldn't have chewy things in it. Clark bought it for me anyway but he couldn't make me drink it.  
  
When we picked up my mom at the courthouse she said that I shouldn't copy confidential documents about the Luthors but I kind of forgot. She also said don't use the direct dialer on the switchboard but I think I called Congress.  
  
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
There was creamed corn for dinner and I hate creamed corn because it makes me think about Luthors.  
  
There wasn't any kissing on TV and I wanted kissing.  
  
My bath was interrupted because of a meteor freak and it destroyed my sweats and I had to borrow my dad's pajamas. I hate borrowing my dad's pajamas.  
  
When I went to bed I remembered the biology quiz and I had to study for it and I closed the book on my thumb.  
  
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
Mr. Kent says some days are like that.  
  
Even if you're in Congress. 


	4. Chloe Sullivan

Chloe Sullivan and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day  
  
I went to sleep with the newspaper in my hands and when I woke up I had newsprint all over my face and when I got out of bed I found out that the coffee maker was broken and I couldn't even think clearly enough to get a phonebook to see if anybody would make emergency deliveries and I knew it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
At breakfast Lana got a love poem from one mutant stalker and a bouquet from another mutant stalker and a bit of hand from somebody else's stalker (because it wasn't a mutant) and all I got on my police scanner was that somebody had run a yellow light.  
  
I'm going to work at the Daily Planet, I said.  
  
On the bus I won a bet with Pete but I was so desperate for coffee I considered asking if I could kiss anybody who had drunk coffee that morning but Clark wasn't around to kiss and I think one of the guys is a mutant whose entire body swells up and so I'd have gotten smushed.  
  
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
At school Principal Reynolds liked Pete's article about the new locker room lockers better than he liked my story about widespread corruption on the school board. Then when the paper went to the printer it came back without page sixteen and they just said who needs page sixteen. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
I could tell because Lionel Luthor said that I'm not his best spy anymore. He said that Dominic Senatori was his best spy and that a temp agency is his second best spy and I was only his third best spy.  
  
I hope you sit on one of the cats' hairballs I said. I hope that when you find that vial again you drop it down a sewer grate and it ends up on the front page of the Daily Planet.  
  
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
That's what it was because after school I went to get a new coffeemaker and they only had a four-cup one and they didn't have a ten-cup one like I wanted but they might have one next week.  
  
Next week, I said, I'm applying at the Daily Planet.  
  
So then I went to the grocery store and Pete was there and he said that the coffee had been infested with meteor mutant bug eggs except for the decaf. He can say that decaf is still coffee but he can't make me believe it.  
  
When I picked up dad at the plant he said that I wasn't supposed to put people on the Wall of Weird without asking but I bet none of them would give me permission. He also said that I shouldn't ask pointed questions about Lana and that I shouldn't try to figure out any dirty secrets about the telephone system but I think I called the Daily Planet.  
  
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
There were bright green beans for dinner and I wasn't too sure about them.  
  
I saw Clark and Lana kissing and I hate Clark and Lana kissing.  
  
I thought I saw a mutant when I was washing my hair and I got shampoo in my eyes and I hadn't done laundry for a while so I had to wear my orange pajamas. I hate my orange pajamas.  
  
When I went to bed Lana wanted to talk and she talked about her dead parents and to keep from telling her to shut up I bit my tongue.  
  
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
Mr. Kent says some days are like that.  
  
Even for people who work at the Daily Planet. 


	5. Lana Lang

Lana Lang's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
I went to sleep in the Talon with a bag of coffee on the shelf above my head and when I woke up it had spilled over and there was ground coffee in my mouth and I tripped on a skateboard somebody had left and skidded across the room and bounced off the bakery case and I knew it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
At school Mrs. Dickens liked Clark's Arrangement in Blue and Red better than my Study in Pink. On the chemistry test I forgot what the sixteenth element is. Who needs the sixteenth element? I could tell that it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
I could tell because I heard somebody say that I wasn't the best rider at the meet. Somebody else was best at show jumping and somebody else was best at dressage and that I was only the third best rider. I hope you get bitten by horseflies, I wanted to say. I hope that horseflies are huge and nasty and that they bite you all the time I'm at art school in Paris.  
  
There were two pieces of apple pie in Clark's lunch and Chloe brought something that made her tongue blue. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
That's what it was because after school another meteor mutant showed up and of all the people it could have chased, it chased just me. Then somebody said that the same thing might happen next week.  
  
Next week, I said, I'm going to art school in Paris.  
  
Then Chloe and I went shopping for clothes and they were out of my size in everything I liked and finally Chloe told me to get something that isn't pink. She can make me buy things that aren't pink but she can't make me wear them.  
  
When I went to give Lex the Talon accounts he said that I shouldn't play with the computer but I wanted to check my email and I forgot. He also said to watch out for the artifacts and I was careful as could me except when another mutant startled me. He also said don't fool around with the videophone but I think I dialed his dad who was somewhere near that art school in Paris.  
  
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
There was kissing on TV and I'd decided that I didn't know if I wanted kissing so seeing kissing made me feel weird.  
  
The bath was too hot and I got makeup remover in my eyes and when I went to bed I thought I saw a green flash out somewhere and it was another mutant and when I tried not to scream I bit my tongue.  
  
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  
  
Mr. Kent says some days are like that.  
  
Even at art school in Paris. 


	6. Martha Kent

Martha Kent's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I went to sleep with coffee ready to brew and when I got up Lois Lane had already brewed and drunk it and I tripped on her tape recorder and by mistake I dropped green food coloring in the muffins and Clark refused to come into the kitchen until I put them in the car and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At breakfast Jonathan drank milk from the carton and Clark ate all the placed products and the cows didn't feed themselves.

I think I'll go work at the Talon.

When I went to park downtown Lex had let somebody drive all his cars into the parking lot. There was a car on the right of my space and a car to the left of my space and a car in front of it. I said that my space was getting scrunched. Nobody even answered.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Back at the farm the cows liked the hay Jonathan tossed to them better than they liked the alfalfa I gave them. When I did some paperwork for our organic certification I left out page sixteen. Who needs sixteen pages? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because the hospital said that Jonathan and I didn't have the strangest conditions anymore. Lana Lang had the strangest conditions and Lex Luthor had the second strangest conditions and we only had the third strangest conditions.

I hope you get nude people in front of your nude statues, I said to them. I hope the next time somebody brings in an amnesiac they just leave them there and go to the Talon.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

That's what it was, because after school Clark developed a new power and froze all the pipes. The plumber said if it had happened during winter, he'd have believed it.

During winter, I said, I'm going to work at the Talon.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody. No one even answered.

So then Jor-El started to control Clark and Clark kept saying that he was Kal-El and Dr. Swann sent somebody who looked like she'd been in a superhero movie. She might have looked like she'd been in a superhero movie but that doesn't mean she gets to show up on the farm.

When I went down to the caves Clark said that I wasn't supposed to put things in the holes in the walls to see if they'd fit but I forgot. He also said to watch out for the Kryptonite and I was careful as could be except for my elbow. He also said don't get near any beams of light but I think I vaporized the store across from the Talon. Clark said that maybe I shouldn't help figure out the caves.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

There were peas with dinner and Clark made a fuss about peas.

There was kissing on TV and Clark was there so Jonathan and I didn't get to do more than kissing.

Because Clark accidentally carbonized the peas there was ash all over the house and my nice pajamas and I had to wear my red and blue pajamas. I hate my red and blue pajamas.

When I went to bed Jonathan took all the covers when he got in and there was a thump from Clark's room and I bit my tongue.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Jonathan says some days are like that.

Even if I worked for the Talon.


End file.
